This month we celebrate our 10th anniversary in marriage. While everyone else will be donning the blue, black and white in celebration of Botswana’s 50 years of independence, we will be stealing the shine as we have done in the past 10 years . Now, having been in marriage for ten years I am convinced I can speak with authority on this subject. Careerwise,  someone who has worked in a certain field for ten years, is considered an authority in the field, all things being equal.So why not, the same principle should apply in marriage or any other aspect of life.

There is a youthful Setswana expression these days to refer to fallacies,illusions and deceptions, they say something ke maaka fela. How often have we heard that said about marriage? How often have we been told that married people are never happy? That they fake smiles when they are in public and fight viciously in private? That they don’t smile  at each other when driving, that they look uncomfortable with each other? Why are they being scrutinized, if I may ask? In some instances this noble institution is called a prison, a man will say ke a ikgolega (im tying myself up, imprisoning myself)  expressing that they are about to tie the knot.Then there are old women and men who have more experience than I, who will lay down marriage laws on the day of the wedding, laws which paint a gloomy picture of the journey ahead. And we all conclude marriage ke maaka fela.

From my ten years of experience this is what marriage is. Marriage is a holy union of two people, who, most of the time are madly in love. Even in arranged marriages,  I have been told, they fall in love along the way. Either way, love is the basis.Under normal circumstances, a man will be drawn to a woman. Subsequently they make a legal commitment to spend a lifetime together.

Before we go further, which commitment flows smoothly without challenges? Only in dreamworld, or not, we do get nightmares occasionally. We face hurdles in our lives everyday and marriage is no exception. The secret lies in overcoming those hurdles and emerging victorious. There would be no joy in celebrating if everything we had was easy peasy. Come to think of it, in a family we quarrel with our parents but there is no love lost. At the end of the day we belong together and we know nothing can separate us. We may stay angry at each other for a while but the bond will never be broken. What makes marriage different? It is the choice of the two people who have tied the knot. My little research on the origin of the phrase ‘tie the knot’ says it means an unending union. Therefore those who enter marriage do so with a view to have an unending union; to live happily ever after.

Yes, happily ever after. Happiness does exist in marriage.The happiness goes only as far as our individual definitions of the concept. Our former Vice President, the late Lt. General Mompati Merafhe used to say happiness is a state of mind, you make a choice to stay happy. We all have an expectation, a picture of a happy marriage and we have the responsibility to ensure that happiness is sustained. It should not be the responsibility of one party. Marriage should not be allowed to degenerate into a duty station and a mere right of passage. God intended it for help, companionship and procreation.

Below i list some of the little foxes that destroy our vine, allow me to call them deal breakers;

1. Individualism – once in a relationship, lose the ‘i’ and adopt the ‘we’. This is easier said than done. Remember we have merged two individuals with totally different backgrounds. Compromise is necessary for a healthy marriage. Insisting on having your way will surely lead to a dead end.
2. Obsession to change spouse’s character-It has been said that you cannot change a person. As human beings, however, we find ourselves desiring to replicate ourselves. Each of us believes that they are the best gift to mother earth and therefore everyone else should copy them. We want to change our spouses. We end up frustrated because they cannot be us. They are also frustrated because we are hard to please and they also wish we were like them. It is a vicious cycle. This is not to say we cannot improve each other, no, we keep learning. Our different backgrounds create a platform for growth as we embrace one another. Let us not kill each other’s passions, dreams and personalities. We do not want to end up with zombies for spouses. Nonetheless, by all means bad habits must be changed.
3. Laws/cultural beliefs/customs-This one is controversial but I will say it. Generally, when we are still single we live by our own rules. We get into marriage and we overwhelm ourselves with dos and donts as told us by society, our parents, friends, pastors and so on. It is not wrong to listen to advice but at the end of the day it is your duty to determine if that works for you. For example, you get married and immediately you expect your spouse’s parents to talk to him/her through you when they are still getting to know you. The laws that we subject ourselves to create unnecessary tension in the home and since they are not realistic,  they will  surely be broken. Then we feel betrayed leading to an unhappy marriage.
4. Comparisons-It is inherent in human beings to compete and gauge themselves against their counterparts. However, we should guard against comparing our spouses to other people whom we barely know. Our married friends may do well in one area but fail dismally in the other. We do not know their struggles. The more we obsess about their paradise of a marriage the more we become miserable in ours. Let us rather build our own paradise. Let us identify what would constitute our paradise  and get to work.
5. Poor communication-this cannot be overemphasised. Spouses should learn to communicate their needs and wants, their joys, frustrations and so on. Indeed that is what best friends do. They are not scared to be vulnerable. They spend more time together willingly without coercion or muti from the most famous matwetwe. The end result will be bliss. Assumptions and bottling up issues, on the other hand, will lead to resentment, explosion and alienation.
6. Lack of intimacy/playtime-Need I say more? Couples can easily turn into business partners, co-parents, housemates, anything but couples if they neglect quality time. Couples that are committed to their marriages make a conscious effort to play together.
7. Infidelity-Unfortunately in the times we live in, things like infidelity have come to be accepted as normal despite the vows made on the altar. However, this is the highest form of betrayal. There is so much pressure to engage in extra marital affairs because of the decay in the moral fibre of society. In spite of this, it still remains an individual choice whether or not to stray.
8. Clinging to parents-Our parents mean well. They love us and want the best for us but they may get in the way of our happiness when it comes to marriage. Firstly, they may not necessarily approve their child’s choice of spouse. Should the child allow them to control his/her marriage from a distance the results can only be fatal. Married people should take responsibility of their own marriages and involve the parents where they seriously need intervention. I have seen some parents so involved in their children’s marriages that they decide their daily meals, number of children, holiday destinations etc. Be wise!
9. Lack of genuineness -A human being is a complex piece of creation. To achieve certain results, a person may shape their character accordingly to increase chances of success. That is why people have been believed to change character after marriage. The fact is they were not who they claimed to be. Please be genuine. Waiting for marriage to wear your true colours may book you a place in the guinness book of records for the world’s shortest marriage.
10. Absence of the GOD factor-There are people who believe there is no God. Well, this is not for them. Those who acknowledge God know that whatever is built without him is done in vain. That is why we involve him in our daily lives, in our marriages and allow him to guide us. That is why we can celebrate 10 years of marriage and attribute all success to him.

In conclusion, I give glory to the Almighty God who has kept and carried us this far. It is by his grace. World, there is marriage! Ga se maaka fela.