A few years, I decided I wanted to focus on myself. I suppose it’s correct to assume that everyone goes through this phase at some point, especially when life has happened. Self love seems like the safest place to be. However, the idea of putting oneself first sounds great until it is done at the expense of relationships.

Like every new found love, it sweeps you off your feet. This is it! Exactly what I’ve been looking for. I’m tired of people pleasing. I’ve had enough of doing things for people without getting anything in return. I am going to do what pleases me-what makes sense to me, me me me ME! And here’s what happened.

Our sense of community was eroded. A typical example is the showers we used to throw for brides and mothers-to-be. A group of friends would raise money for one of them whenever there was need. It didn’t matter if the friends never got their turn because it was all done out of love. Enters self love, I can’t keep contributing for people without any benefit. Now we have metshelo, where people contribute a fixed amount and expect it back after a while, by hook and crook (pun intended). There is nothing for mahala. Yes, I understand I should help you but what’s in it for me? You scratch my back, I scratch yours! I value myself too much to be used.

The advent of self love, in my opinion, has bred greed and selfishness. Giving is no longer an act of service, borne out of a pure and cheerful heart. It is basically a transaction, so much that when your friend gifts you, you wonder if it is wise to accept the gift, for fear that you might not match up. This translates into fake relationships.

Just a moment of introspection. Can you boldly say you have friends? Would they still be with you if you didn’t have what you have? Do you feel free to express your views, albeit unfavorable, without the fear of losing them? Or you are ‘comfortable’ with ‘do you boo’, ‘follow your heart’, ‘mind your own business’, ‘know your worth’ as long as you remain friends?

Self love is in itself a noble concept-for you to pause, reflect and give yourself well deserved attention in order to achieve some balance in this busy world. It’s a journey of self discovery- what makes you tick-what it takes for you to be whole. It is a tool for you to live happy and fulfilled, not just for you but also for those around you. However, when taken to the extreme, it translates into toxicity.