3rd November 2020. Fresh tears stream down my cheeks. The lump in my throat, palpitations, chest exploding with pain. My husband hugs me tightly and whispers, “Is it…?” He knows the date.
“Yes, I tried to avoid it..”, I stammer my response as I struggle to suppress the emotions welling up and ready to erupt. How did we get here?
I have not received any bad news, thank heavens! I suffer though, from indelible memories of the two people that I so dearly loved, who unceremoniously departed mother earth on 2 November – coincidentally, four years apart. Over the years, I have dealt with these memories, ever so vivid, through writing and sharing on social media. Some people gave me feedback and I listened.
They said – you have to forget, you have to let go! Let them rest in peace.
Forget, let them go! Let them rest in peace!
I thought to myself, they may have a point. Many people have lost their loved ones. They never talk about them, let alone post on social media. They seem to be doing well too. They are strong and don’t appear as if they are seeking public sympathy. They don’t overshare. Ona, be like them!
So yesterday I was like them. I dragged myself out of bed early, after a restless night, to work on my translations. I went about my daily routine and acted like it was just another day. Deep down I knew it wasn’t just any day, it was that day. My mind was replaying events but I ignored it. I was overly active on social media and chatting up everyone, even responding to inboxes. I listened to music and sermons on YouTube. I cooked a sumptuous dinner for my family, looked at them and whispered a thank you to God. I didn’t want to sit down and relax, because then I would feel.
The outcome
I went to bed very late after reading and watching my favorite shows. I couldn’t sleep. I had chest pains, back pain, I tossed and turned all night. I suspect the suppressed emotions resolved to assault my body. I didn’t want to wake my husband up, for fear of appearing needy. As I write this, my body still aches.
📝 to self
My rich Setswana language talks about go boela magaleng gabedi, loosely translated endangering yourself again. I am not about that business. Writing is my outlet, this is where I channel all my emotions and I know how much relief I have felt each time I’ve poured out my heart in a piece like this. It may not make sense to anyone else, but it makes a lot of sense to me, and for that reason alone, I will keep at it!
📝 to my loved ones
We were not created the same. What works for you might not work for the next person. The world is beautiful in diversity. Live and let live. And lastly, please allow me to feel for it is in feeling that I am set free and in that freedom- peace, joy and strength to face the next day.
onamphela 
Thank you for sharing your experience. I absolutely advocate for allowing emotions to be felt.
It’s a struggle with societal norms
The problem is that, the society hadies alot.
So true
I am teary reading this. Because this is me. It makes a lot of sense to me.i relate to almost all your experiences, and Id say… allow yourself to feel.its in “feeling” that we thrive and live the best way we can. It’s in “feeling” that we even give the best of ourselves to others. And in most cases, people don’t have to understand. This is truely beautiful.
As for the 2nd of November , May you one day wake up with a smile as the good memories overshadow the pain of the loss.and may the memories refresh you so much it will turn out to be one of your best days 🌻
Awww you got me teary…and yes I’m looking forward to the day I wake up just as you described😘
This is a message of liberation. A message to soothe the hearts of the suffering. A message to strengthen the feel. A message of hope to the hopeless. Let me feel ❤️ Thank you for using your pains to bring peace to others my love.
Its more like bringing me peace 😘
I felt that 😢
Writting is one thing that allows a person to pour out their emotions and left completely at peace, i normally express myself better by writting instead of talking. Its ok to feel hun!
Clearly I am not the only person who sweeps issues or whatever I go through under the rug. I think it all comes down to how we were brought up especially with regards to the black community. We are not allowed to be vulnerable or feel anything and such ideologies can lead one to depression which is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone else. So yes thank you Ona for making it a point that we are humans “we need to feel”